I’m sorry if I deviate from the point a few times here, but I just need to rant.
Let me be honest here. I cannot explain how tempted I was to extend my opening line from that One Direction song. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t even like it. Anymore. I’m glad I exercised restraint there, which counts as exercise. I’ll consider it a sign of willpower and self control. Elegant restraint. Except when it comes to food, obviously.
But it’s true. I am insecure. And I don’t know what for. And lately insecure can aptly define everything I’ve been feeling. A regular cast member in the story of my life, taking up more than its fair share of screen time. It’s sort of like one of those characters on a TV show who need to be bumped off to keep the show going. It’s stagnant with them around. So, that’s what I am. I am insecure. And insecure is me.
I know that we’re all a little insecure in some ways. But I think it’s a lot easier when you know what makes you feel that way. Of course dealing with it is just as hard, but you manage to limit your fears to specific situations, localize them and don’t let them take over your entire life.
Effectively, I don’t know why I’m insecure. I really don’t have anything to be insecure about. I’m almost a spoiled brat, have everything I need and most things I want and a really solid support system in family and friends.
It’s not about the way I look either. I mean, as far as my appearance is concerned, I couldn’t care less. I don’t look pretty, hot or sexy and I don’t live to be. In fact, I’m rather ugly by most standards and I don’t care enough to do anything about it. I let my hair remain a mess, I wear whatever peeks out at me through the mess of my wardrobe and don’t bother tinkering with even a smidgen of makeup. Yes, essentially, I’m a fat lazy slob. But I’m a fat, lazy slob who’s comfortable in her own skin, even though it is rougher than most roads of Mumbai.
I’ve just been feeling anxious about everything lately. I just gave my board exams over the past month. And I didn’t feel like they went really well. I mean, they were good. In fact, I’d say they were pretty decent considering how little I studied for them (And that’s too little, trust me. I learnt that the hard way). But they weren’t amazing.
Throughout every paper, I had doubts. I kept second guessing myself over things that were perfectly clear. I picked the wrong answer a few times even though the right one was etched in my bones. After my Economics paper, I was so nervous, my hands were literally shaking as I tried, unsuccessfully to thread my supplement to my main answer sheet. The invigilator had to do it for me, much to her disdain. I even wrote my seat number wrong for one of the papers. (I corrected it, phew.) I just didn’t trust my gut anymore. I kept getting stuck on insignificant details like how untidily I’d presented my answer, speckled generously crossed out words and caret marks, a bit like the first drafts of my poetry.
I thought it would dissipate once the exams were over and done with. And with utmost disappointment, I must say that it hasn’t. It’s just hanging over like a weight above my head. Everyone’s questioning my next move, my career move. And I honestly don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know what courses I should take and just come up with a different answer every time someone asks me that question.
So, that’s what’s been eating me up. I applied for a couple of internships for the heck of it, got selected and withdrew my applications because I didn’t feel they were right for me. So, that’s what’s wrong. I’m going nowhere. I don’t have a plan.
My friends believe a boyfriend is the solution to boosting my confidence and they’ve tried all sorts of measures to make that happen. I haven’t had the best experiences with relationships and I don’t think I need one here. Besides, I want to be confident on my own. Not because of some boy.
One thing I’m sure of is that I need to escape. For a while at least. It is a risky idea but the only thing that I feel could really help me right now is a gap year. A year away from my life as I know it to just understand myself better. I know being away from courses for a year is a huge setback but I don’t want to just go with the flow and land up somewhere I later realize is not where I want to be. It is really scary. I’ve never been abroad alone. Besides, my parents would never be on board with the idea.
I hope the vacation will do me some good. I just need a way to relax. A get away. Sometimes, all a TV show needs is a good twist in the plot. And twists are always risks.
It frightens how many times I think of just escaping, letting go, just walking into the distance until everyone I know and everything I’ve loved is no more than a speck in the distance. It scares me how willing I am to do all of it.